“What were you thinking?” Emili yelled at me through the phone.
“Huh? What?” I said still waking up. Confusion swarmed my tilt-a-world brain, still deciding if I want to spew or not.
“You saw what that s**t did to me. What made you think it was going to be different? It’s serious stuff. When the cops called me, I thought… I thought they were going to tell me they found your body.” Emili says fighting back the urge to cry.
It hit me that a bomb, the worlds ran through my mind like an express train to England. Then . . . it all came out. Seriously everything came out. The tears ran and flowed like never before.
Sitting in my room with three blankets and still felt like it was below zero. My clothes were soaked like I’d just gotten done with a water balloon fight. Frequently running for my full set room/and bathroom set toilet to let out all that was left in me. My cries turned to screams hoping this would stop. What felt like weeks was only four days. Finally shutting my eyes for some good unfamiliar sleep . . .
Boom, Boom, Boom. MJ the staff at the detention said unlocking my door. “Ashili you have a visit.”
“From who?” I said as she walked in a bit.
“Your mom.”
Walking down to the visiting section hurt like I was weighed down with thousands of pounds of withdrawal. I sat down, breathing like I just got done running a mile. Sudden tears fell from my moms’ eyes as she grabbed for a hug.
“Oh my gosh.”
“Ah, be careful.” I said wincing in pain. She stared at me for five minutes in silence. My eyes couldn’t even meet hers. My head hung down like it was decapitated. I was ashamed that I let my habit get this bad. I couldn’t let her have the satisfaction that she was right, I did need help.
After the visit, I felt as if I had met my maker. –Logically I did– I went to the nurse.
“Step up on the scale so we can get your weight again. When you came in you could hardly stand.” She said trying to be as gentle as possible. I was mute and felt oblivious to what I had done. Having that feeling of knowing you have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about bluntly . . . SUCKS!
“105.3. Okay now let’s get your height.” She continued trying not to give me the big eyed look.
After lights out I sat in my bed thinking ‘Do I want this in my life forever? , ‘Do I want to die?’ Do I want my sister, mom, or dad to get that call?’ No, I don’t. I need to stop being selfish and think about others around me. Take accountability for what I had done. Thankfully I now am proud to say I’m 7 months clean from cocaine and heroin.
9 comments:
Well I can say that I am proud of you for being clean, Congratulations.
I have also been clean from any drug for 1 year, and can I ask you? do it feel good? It sure does to me! This story is well thought out and also well spoken. I didn't see any grammar problems. I like that you relate a lot of this to yourself, And then ask the viewers what they think. Stay sober, it really is the way to go. I honestly get urges to get high again, But then there's people like you and other recovering people that make me think "If they can do it, So can I". for that, Thank you.
i really liked what you said you can tell that you took time on this and put some thoughts. but i do know where you are coming from i understand how you feel. because i have been in the same place and it hurts and im glad you have got through that. i like how you put your word and sentence and dialogue
Congratulations on being clean from cocaine. It is a big step in life to change your ways. I left met for my so because i don't want to loose his respect or love. You are right we can't be selfish, lets keep up the good work.
I love this. It reminds me so much of what went through and still going through. I used to drink to the point where my family was so scared that i was just going to die. But i keep on doing it cause i didn't know how to stop. Everyday... Trashed out of my mind. And when i went into foster care i realized how much pain i was causing my family. I had put them through so much pain. They would sit up all night waiting for the call that there daughter has overdosed and died. Its hard to stop. But when you see how bad your hurting the ones that love you, you finally see. Still to this day i have that bottle in my hand and find myself close to where i was before. It just takes time. Goood job. Im proud of you. Not many people can say they've been clean as long as you have.
Good job! It takes a lot of guts to admit you have a problem and face it to. It's good that you used your loved once as a motivation to quit your addiction. congratulation for being clean.I know you'll stay that way too. done only do it for your self do it for your family too.
I know i how you feel i let my family down when they found on the side of the road damn near death there were scared for me to recover but when I did I was back smoking dope. I finally i realized after my parents turn me in so many time there were trying help now i am getting the help I need and i can say i been clean for 10 months
good job being clean. i have bean clean for about 3 weeks. i like how it flows. i hope you can stay clean. i think you can do it. stay off drugs.
It makes you feel so good when you know you have over come something so big, I can tell your mom loves you so much. Its cool you can take responsibilty for your own actions, some people can do that. keep up the good work, it will pay off!. Stay up.
I'm also proud to say that Jan. 12th is the date that marks my now 9 months(: Thanks for all your comments. They really help.
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