Friday, December 10, 2010

My Grandma

“They need to do some more tests” grandpa said. I was eight years old when I found out that my grandma had terminal lung cancer. She was feeling sick one morning so my grandpa took her to the hospital, and he checked her in. It was about 2:30 pm when my grandpa called and wanted to talk to me. “We need to take your grandma to the hospital in Provo Utah so that she can have more accurate tests done”.

“Can I come with you?” I asked to here my grandpa tell me NO! I was so scared I didn’t want to lose my grandma she was my best friend. The next morning I got up at 7:00 am to get ready for school and to catch the bus. Lunch at my school started at around 11:30 in the afternoon. That’s when I got the bad news.

The intercom beeped and called out “We need Levi to come to the front office he is wanted on the phone”. I got up out of my seat, collected all of my things, and then left. When I got to the front office I walked in and picked up the phone. When I heard the first few words come out of my moms mouth I about broke down and started to cry.

“Your grandmother isn’t doing so well” I remember asking my mom what’s wrong, and I remember her telling me “she has been started on chemo therapy and they are afraid that she has gotten an infection from it.” And that their main concern would be that she might not be able to fight it off. I started to think to myself that Easter is just a week around the corner and that there is a chance that I might not get to spend it with my grandma. That was the worst thought ever, and I was thinking about how it would be.

“We need to help you pack some clothes, do your chores, and then go get some gas for the car we are going to Provo to spend some time with your grandmother.” I was so happy knowing that I was going to get to spend some time with my grandma. I planned on sitting right there next to her for the whole five days we were going to be there. I brought books and crayons for me and her to color. It took an hour and a half to get there, witch isn’t very long but to me it felt like days.

“I felt so helpless.” When we got there my dad went to ask what room she was being held in and he found out she was in room # 307. I took off and ran down hall after hall looking for the room. When I finally found the room I walked through the door, and I seen my grandpa sitting there crying. I walked in to find out why he was crying. The things that I was seeing mad me cry and feel helpless. Right before my eyes I seen my grandma hooked up to all kinds of different machines and Ivey’s. The infection was so bad that it had made my grandmas body start to swell. She didn’t even look like my once before beautiful grandma.

“Hey kido” my grandpa said with tears rolling off his cheek and onto the floor. “The doctor said your grandmother is in pretty bad condition and that they didn’t expect her to make it past Easter.” I started to cry even harder, and went over to my grandma and laid my head on her stomach and started to tell her how much I would miss her and how much I love her. My grandpa then picked me up and kissed me on the cheek and said “Everything will be okay; your grandma is going to a better place, a place without suffering and sickness. The doctor came up to me and my family about three o’clock in the afternoon to tell us the bad news.

“Your grandmother is not going to make it, and that he would be surprised if she even made it through the night. And that was the first holiday that I didn’t get to spend with my grandma. A week later my family and I attended the funeral. It was the hardest thing to attend just for the fact I had to watch them put my grandma, my best friend, and a wonderful person six feet under.

Narrative

“Why wont you do what you need to do mijo?” I didn’t answer my moms questions anymore just didn’t care what she had to say didn’t listen anymore doing what I wanted do. Doing my own thing always partying 24 – 7 not worrying about nothing I was having fun always smoking coming home high my mom would see me but that didn’t stop me doing what I was doing. Robbing stores getting high fighting picking up new charges mostly every week. Getting more and more trouble by the day.

The day finally came I got in to much trouble my mom said I cant handle you no more. We talked we decided together send me away for a while not knowing when I was going to come back. The next day my mom bought me a ticket for this guy to drive me to Morelos Mexico. A little while latter I packed my things together clothes everything I could take not to much cause they charge for every pound that it weighs. I said by to my family and my mom same time showing her the new tattoo that I had barley got I left.

We started are way to Mexico me and all these old Mexicans going to Mexico to finish the rest of there lives and I was going to start my new life. It took 3 long days and nights to get there not stopping only to get gas and food to use the bathroom to nothing else. Sleeping on ugly nasty smelly people it was disgusting in that van the whole way there it smelled like someone was farting and I think it was the old man next to me.

I had finally got to Mexico a part of Mexico that I had never been to it was my fist time in that part I been to Mexico before but this part was ugly and weird different than any other place I had been. I got there with this guy José that I had barley known still confused about him not knowing what to think what to do.

I started my new life in Mexico that day in Mexico no one helped me everything was all up to me. I had to take care of my own had to work for my own money had to work for things I needed. I needed a phone so I had to buy me one had to pay for every minute I used. For the first time of my life I really had to take care of myself it was harder than I thought it was going to be

Working in Mexico was so hard working in U.S. is nothing compared to Mexico. First job that I had over there was planting corn in the hot sun every day from morning working while the sun came up to when the sun fell making holes in the soil throwing a couple kernels in every whole closing them up no machinery all by hand. That was my new life it was a start but I started to move up after all that hard work I got a side job on the weekends. Now I was working with cement laying down cement for houses is what I was doing had to mix all the cement with shovels no machinery all by hand. It was the hardest jobs I ever had.

After 4 months I was finally going to leave Mexico and go home. I packed all my things and all my stuff and finally bought my self a ticket and by the next morning I was on the bus by 6 leaving. I went towards the border all by my self taking a couple different buses to get me to one spot it took me 3 days. I thought I had got lost a couple times or taken the wrong bus. I was right I had took all the right buses and finally got there to the border. I saw my mom for the first time in Nogales Mexico and we both crossed together and ate McDonalds. After that I rode again to salt lake. I was finally home.

Getting Caught

“What did you do with the $5 that I gave you for doing good in school?” My mom said.

“Huh what do you mean what did I do with the money. I spent it all on candy” I say. So now here I am sitting here in the circle. With a look of confusion on my face.

So now as I’m sitting there I tune out everything that is going on around me. But then I sit there and listen into what was being said and I hear “Well Chris tell me what did you spend all the money on? Did you spend it all on weed?” By the way he is my step brother. While I was sitting there I was feeling scared and nervous, because I didn’t want to get caught for something that I didn’t do.

I had a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind. Like “What if I get caught? What will the consequences be?” Will they be good or bad?” Then as I tune into the conversation I hear a sudden big bang. I told myself not to move but I wanted to. So finally after sitting still I decided to get up. I go to the front door and I see my uncle Mario standing there by it along with my uncle Danny.

So as I crept towards them they notice me then nothing. Next thing I notice I’m sitting there at the kitchen table and I hear “so you four going to tell us the truth or are we going to have to force it out of you?”

“No” I say. Afraid to say too much. Then I sit still just listening to them hit the table yelling at us about us buying the weed and smoking it with each other. So as that happens I just sit there. In utter silence. My heart feels like an abyss. At that moment I start to get angry at myself for doing such a thing. I mean my parents raised me better then that. I had it all a bed to sleep in, my own 360, my own TV, I had it all. But now because of this one little f*** up It’s all gone.

So after all of this has happened my mom finally comes over and asks me “Erick have you learned anything from this. I hope you did because I raised you better then that son.” Soon after that I say no and she says “fine your grounded for a few months.” At that point I’m shocked. I have learned that weed is bad for you. I also learned that my mom is kind of strict. Or can be most or all of the time. I had learned that as long as I kept doing this then I know that all of the trust that my family have for me or even in me will be gone. So now I’m just sitting on my bed telling myself that “it’s just another lesson learned.” So now have you ever been caught for smoking weed?

What did you feel like after you had been caught for smoking weed? Did you feel like crap? And if you haven’t been caught for smoking weed then what would you feel like if you did get caught for smoking weed?

Change is Good, Sobriety is Life

“What were you thinking?” Emili yelled at me through the phone.

“Huh? What?” I said still waking up. Confusion swarmed my tilt-a-world brain, still deciding if I want to spew or not.

“You saw what that s**t did to me. What made you think it was going to be different? It’s serious stuff. When the cops called me, I thought… I thought they were going to tell me they found your body.” Emili says fighting back the urge to cry.

It hit me that a bomb, the worlds ran through my mind like an express train to England. Then . . . it all came out. Seriously everything came out. The tears ran and flowed like never before.

Sitting in my room with three blankets and still felt like it was below zero. My clothes were soaked like I’d just gotten done with a water balloon fight. Frequently running for my full set room/and bathroom set toilet to let out all that was left in me. My cries turned to screams hoping this would stop. What felt like weeks was only four days. Finally shutting my eyes for some good unfamiliar sleep . . .

Boom, Boom, Boom. MJ the staff at the detention said unlocking my door. “Ashili you have a visit.”

“From who?” I said as she walked in a bit.

“Your mom.”

Walking down to the visiting section hurt like I was weighed down with thousands of pounds of withdrawal. I sat down, breathing like I just got done running a mile. Sudden tears fell from my moms’ eyes as she grabbed for a hug.

“Oh my gosh.”

“Ah, be careful.” I said wincing in pain. She stared at me for five minutes in silence. My eyes couldn’t even meet hers. My head hung down like it was decapitated. I was ashamed that I let my habit get this bad. I couldn’t let her have the satisfaction that she was right, I did need help.

After the visit, I felt as if I had met my maker. –Logically I did– I went to the nurse.

“Step up on the scale so we can get your weight again. When you came in you could hardly stand.” She said trying to be as gentle as possible. I was mute and felt oblivious to what I had done. Having that feeling of knowing you have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about bluntly . . . SUCKS!

“105.3. Okay now let’s get your height.” She continued trying not to give me the big eyed look.

After lights out I sat in my bed thinking ‘Do I want this in my life forever? , ‘Do I want to die?’ Do I want my sister, mom, or dad to get that call?’ No, I don’t. I need to stop being selfish and think about others around me. Take accountability for what I had done. Thankfully I now am proud to say I’m 7 months clean from cocaine and heroin.

High and Drive, Don't Mix

At about 1:30 pm that is where it all started. I slide out of bed, nudging my cousin to wake up. Then I headed out side, grabbed the truck keys off the dashboard, slid the keys slowly into the ignition and started the truck to warm in the frosty winter. I hopped out of the truck and creped my way into the house and got ready.

“Hurry up lets go.” I said. Bolting out the door hopped in the truck. A minute later my cousin stormed out the door and hopped into the truck. We backed out of the parking lot and found the credit card. So, we can head off to the store & made it there.

We jumped out of the still running truck to not lose the heat that already built up. We walked into the store to see what we could find. “Go get the drinks and candy.” I said. “I will get the two Chicken Combos and the chips.” We start off to the front to pay for the food & then headed out to the still warmed truck.

We turned around instantly and headed towards the back roads, rattled over the rail road tracks & drove four or five blocks than slammed on the breaks. We grabbed the pipe and the half bag. Then we sat back and we started to blaze. Then about 20 min later I was on cloud 19 and didn’t know where the pipe went. “Where is the pipe?” I questioned. Then he said “It’s in your hand you idiot.” I grabbed the pipe with other hand and put it away. Then we started to eat like a rich family on Thanks Giving.

So we decided to leave when we finished eating. We drove to this trailer court down the street from my cousin’s house. At the trailer court they have this huge empty area in the middle of the trailer court. We decided to drive around and do some sliding around in the middle of it. My cousin and I kept sliding around until me and my cousin decided to head back to the house.

When I got home, & found out that my uncle knew I took is vehicle that now reeked of bud. That’s when I knew that I was caught getting high. That taught me not to get high and drive. Even if it’s in a town near home.

Just a Cold

“No, no this can’t be happening.” Trying to breathe. I ran and ran to the point were my side cramped so bad that I collapsed. I was so close and that’s when I heard the noise that still makes me cringe to this day. An ambulance. As I stood up to attempt to run some more as I get to the corner of my street there went the ambulance. I was too late. He was already gone.

It was a quiet Sunday at the house. It was the end of February and it was still really chilly out side, so most the kids in are house had colds. I remember most of us kids were sitting on the floor in front of the T.V watching some cartoons. My Brother Zachary had a cold and runny nose. My dad called him upstairs to get some medicine “Zachary get up here and get some medicine before I lay down to take a nap.” “No dad” he said. He didn’t want to take the medicine but my dad insisted. He said “If you want to get better than you have to take this.” Finally he took the cough medicine.

I left to my girl friends house to go hangout. I wasn’t suppose to but I was a rebel. I did what I wanted when I wanted. It was towards the evening when my sister called my friends house. “Carly, you need to come home.” I asked “Why?” The next couple words were a blur. “Zachary stop breathing.” I didn’t even hang up the phone, I just ran out the door before anyone could offer to give me a ride or ask me what was the matter. I just ran and ran like I would never stop. And then I had stumbled to the ground from the pain in my side. I was so close. Just around the corner and I would be there. But the noise that rang in my ears told me I was too late. All I could think of is that I should have been there. I could have saved him. After the ambulance passed by I ran the rest of the way home. My neighbors were inside my house. It was all so confusing. I just wanted to find my parents.

Hours had passed by and we were all waiting downstairs on the couch and my parents walked through the door. My mom looked like sh*t. All I remember was apologizing for leaving the house without asking. We all sat on the couch and my my dad said was “he didn’t make it.”

Mean Dad

“You stupid bi*ch you are just like your mom!” My dad yelled to me from inside the house. I didn’t want to go in, because my mom had left to a party. I knew if I went inside he would hit me just because he was mad and angry, because my mom had went to a birthday party. He came home and asked me to go in the house. I refuse to go in, because the beating would begin.

Instead I ran to the street crying I didn’t want to go inside. My dad treated me like trash just because he felt like trash him self. I stayed home because I didn’t have anything nice to wear. My dad was out drinking with his friends like every Sunday. So my mom thought it was ok for me to stay home. I did enjoy an hour by my self at home listing to music, till the beast showed up.

Then next thing you know I was running for my life. I ran, and ran he couldn’t catch me. I was small and quick, he was fat and slow. He was mad at me and I was enjoying the moment, his too fat can’t catch up saying mean things to me till I lost him.

Next thing you know I find my self at the store talking to a bunch of guys that knew me and my family. One was telling me to go home or my dad was going to kick my butt. I told him that’s why I’m here because he wants to beat me for no reason. Next thing you know my dad passes by. All the guys pretend not to know me.

He yells at me to come home and that he had called my mom and he had told her how stupid I was being, and that she is on her way. By the time I got home my mom was there. She asked me what was I doing on the street and why was I being disrespectful to my dad. I told her that he was being mean to me and that he was drunk and I was scared to be next to him because of the times he had tried to touch my sister. My dad said I was talking trash and that I just ran always to go kiss some guy. My mom didn’t know who to believe but my mom said that, I should get a beating for being on the street.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Is there anything worse than dying?

The only thing that I would think that would be worse than dying is loosing a child, or someone that is close to you, because you feel empty and like there is a big gapping whole right through you. Personal experiences that I have had that I personally think would be worse than dying is the day that my grandma died. The day that my grandma died is the day that my world pretty much depleted. From that day on my life hasn’t been the same because of the emptiness that I feel in my life. To me the feeling that I had was altogether worse than dying. But other than that I personally think that death is a gift if it peaceful. A peaceful death is a gift in my eyes because you’re moving on to a better life with nothing to worry about. Like the day that my grandma passed I could have a little peace of mind knowing that she wasn’t suffering from the infection that she got during chemotherapy and her lung cancer. People should be very appreciative when someone’s suffering is put to an end and move on to a better place. I miss my grandma tremendously but at the same time I am very happy that she doesn’t have to live a life of suffering, and hospitalization.

After a couple of my family members have died, I realized that a peaceful death is really a gift to you for another life of peace and no suffering. I guess you just overall need to take into consideration what your own personal thought on this subject is. Because after what I have been through I certainly took everything into consideration and gave it a little thought and I have come up the fact that I would rather die than loose a child or someone really close to me
Yes I’ve taken many things for granted in my life. I hate to admit it but I have a real problem with it I take every little thing I get for granted that’s why am here right now in a proctor family but am trying to fix that and get help. I know it sounds cliché but I think the biggest thing I take for granted is my family they have tried to be there and support me and help me with every problem and bad thing I have. Now that am away from my family I realize how much they love and care for me it makes me sad thinking about how I treated them, and the person I treated bad was the one who cared for me the most my mom.

When I go home the first thing am going to do is huge my mom and tell her how sorry I am for treating her the way I did and try to make changes because I know she is trying to help me and make a better person so am going to stop smoking and drinking well am going top try haha.

Another thing I take advantage of when I think about It is my freedom. Now that I have no freedom I realize how precious it is. I use to get up and just party now I cant and I use to be able to smoke and drink when ever I pleased but now I cant and its hard for me. I like to do my own thing and not have to worry about the trouble that id get in this proctor thing am in I have no freedom and I also have no privacy and I have to work extra hard for everything, iv never really had to earn anything either so this is new too me having to be appropriate and nice for the small things I usually just get by asking any old way.

How I remember not to take things for granted is by thinking of where I am now and how I don’t want to be here again and how ill do any thing and everything in my power not to be here again ever in my whole life. So what am trying to say is we all take things for granted and were all trying to change something about ourselves.

My Last Words

My lasts words to my mom would be
that I will never forget her. That my life without her would be dumb and boring. I wouldn’t want any other mom but her cause she’s the only one that makes me happy she the only one that can make me smile the one that was always there when I needed her she never left me even thou I would do her wrong. She was still always there even thou I would mess up and make her feel bad and sad and even make her cry. I would give her a hug and say im sorry.

My lasts words to my sister would be
that I had fun with her always doing dumb stuff and even thou we always messed up and got in trouble that it was all fun and I wouldn’t have are time together any other way and that im gonna miss her a lot. I would tell her to not mess up no more to stay straight and that she needs to take care of my little brother and my mom and to help her so she’s alright to do good in life and not mess up as bad as me.

Anything Worse than Dying?

There are a lot of different minds on this subject but really it depends on the person. With some people would rather die. Other people think that dying is the worst thing out there. To me it can go either way. It really depends on what type of situation you are in at the time.

Here are some examples. Well to me I think that living can be worse than dying. Because lets say that you are really connected to your family and you love them more than the world. Just imagine if your whole family died in a plane crash on there way to a family reunion. To me of course the kid doesn’t want to live ever again because all he loved is pretty much gone.

But there are other situations like that. I think that people mainly don’t want to live in that situation because they are afraid and don’t know how to approach life. It is because there family is gone they do not know what to do there scared to live life on there own. It would be hard.

This is hard for me to decide on whether dying is worse or not. But me I am more with the dying. Because I think it would be worse to die because even if you are in a really bad situation there is still a lot to live for. Like if your family died you can always make your own family and it doesn’t have to be a horrible life. You just need to hope back up on that horse and make it do what you want to do.

All I am trying to say is that there is so much more that is worth living for. I know how people feel when they are in that bad situation and they don’t like it. The thing is how ever bad someone’s life is that should make there life all bad especially when you don’t know how the future is going to be like.

Things that I take for granted

I use to take people in my life for granted. Every time I woke up I use to get sick of listening to my family talk about normal things that family’s talk about. I use to get sick of waking up every morning to change my son’s dipper with a bad attitude. I even took my job for granted I would go to work all mad. I didn’t ever stop to thank god for all the things he blessed me with. I had a job I was doing well I was not starving, I sometimes couldn’t pay the rent but I got it paid at the end. Till one day I went to work all mad and I was cooking burgers at Burger King then the shift manager got mad at me for taking orders and cooking. I got so mad because I was jut doing my job plus I was already angry. Then I lost my job and then I didn’t have a job. I just got angrier and that anger got me to do stupid stuff. From doing stupid things I got a lot of charges, for drunk driving, fighting, assault charges all kinds of them. Until one day that I went to a guy’s house and pimped slapped him. The cops came and took me in. From that day on I’ve missed my family very much. Especially my son, I missed changing his dipper even. I missed my noisy family and my ghetto house. I lived with a porter family that had a nice house it was quiet all the time. But I didn’t like it I missed my baby, the Mexican music that my mom use to listen to, how I use to bump music out loud all the time and my mom didn’t say nothing. In my porter home we didn’t even get to listen to music at all. I had to pretend to like my porter family when I didn’t. I felt so alone and lost but at the same time loved my mom and my son more then ever and my brothers and my sister. Now when I get in to a talk fight with my little brothers I say to my self that the ways they show me love.

Do you Believe that something can be worse than dying?

I believe that there are only a couple of things that are worse than dying. These things to me would have to be the worse things that could ever happen. My mom would die!!!! That would be devastating. YA NO!!! It would get me to the point of suicide. I wouldn’t know what to do. I’m sorry for anybody that has to deal with there mom dying. I terrified of my mom dying. She has got me through at least 18 years of my life. She is the one that gave me life. Thank you momma!

Another thing is losing my kid to anything. Have him taken away from me, like by the state, kidnapped, death anything. It would crush me. I would also think about suicide. There is nothing more important to me than my kid, my mom, and my brother, and his family.

These things are about it. There aren’t many things that I think are worse than dying. Well if my family would actually claim me there would be more. There should probably be more that is more important.

Things for granted

Have you ever taking things for granted? Well I have and to be honest I thought it was worth it because the things I did were okay for me. I thought it would only be once in a while but no. I think it’s how everybody sees it and karma can come back and things go worse then you want them to be. For example I took a lot of foe granted the court, my parents, case worker, school and I think about it now and I made many mistakes but everybody makes them. It started in about 8th grade I started with school teachers would give me the best help and I give didn’t care for it I wouldn’t go to school and when I did they would help me to bring up my grade, but then I would do it again.

My parents were very proud of me. Had a lot of trust but I lost it just by lying and taking for advantage their trust, I didn’t mean it but then after a while I just started doing it on purpose because I thought I had a reason to do it, but I guess I was wrong and not saying sorry it feels worst because I feel like if you cant move on feeling like that and stilling knowing that they still got your back.

I think that nothing bad is going to happen but no it will get you sooner or latter and the consequences are bigger but now like me just have to your best and try to move forward and make the best out of it so you can be where ever you would like to go and do good in life. And don’t let your mistakes keep you going.

Worse than dying

Do I think that something can be worse than dying? Yeah! I think there are lots of things worse than dying. Dying is a part of life and its going to happen at some time. I actually think the feeling that you have to feel after someone dies is worse than dying. I would rather die than have to deal with feeling of losing the person I love. That feeling would be absolutely unbearable. If I were to die than the people that love me would feel this feeling and they would know what feels worse than dying. Once you yourself die you don’t really get affected from it. So therefore things that happened why you were alive were worse than dying. But those people dealing with there loved ones death feels what it feels like to experience what’s worse than death. I think if you were dying and you were in so much pain that would be the worst part of death. At that point you want to die. When I think of myself dying it doesn’t scare me. I’ll die when my time comes. I actually kind of think that when you’re in the moment of about to die and your life flashes before your eyes is the scariest. Especially when you end up living through that scary moment.

This one time I was driven up to Studio 600 in Salt Lake City and the freeways were kind of icy. And we were going way fast on the freeway and we hit black ice. We started spinning and it felt like time was slowing down and I saw everything right there before my eyes. That was another thing worse than actually dying.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Rumors

Rumors are spread all the time. Rumors can affect people in different ways. Like for instance if it is a good rumor it could give that person a boost of confidence or just flat out make that person happy. Bad rumors are hurtful to people and can cause them to be unconfident with them selves. You shouldn’t spread rumors in the first place. How would you feel if someone spread a rumor about you? Next time you feel like spreading rumors try to put your self in that person’s shoes and ask your self how you would feel and how it would affect that persons life. I personally think that rumors are a rude and inconsiderate. I would not want someone to spread rumors about me so I am pretty sure they feel the exact same way.
I try to encourage people to have confidence in them selves and not worry about what ether people think about or say about you. It is a really hurtful thing. I know that I would feel hurt and pissed. People treat others different because of some of the rumors being spread around. If everyone stops spreading rumors there will be more confidant people and a lot less people dealing with harassment or any physical or verbal abuse that is caused by spreading rumors. Be nice and respectful to others and stop the rumor spreading. It will help out in the long run, and also help people to build a strong friendly relationship with other people and a lot of people will be safe from other people that pick on them all because of rumors. Rumors are the root to all harassment or physical and verbal abuse. Respect one another and good things will happen to you and your peers and help you out as well.

Attending a Funeral

Attending funerals are very imported to me because that’s the last time you are able to see your loved ones. I’ve attended many funerals. Every time I go to one I have a sad feeling because I won’t ever see that person again until I pass.

There’s been one time that I wasn’t able to attend five of my friends funerals. It was just resent they all passed in a car wreck in Ogden canyon. I was in cedar city when it happened. I got the news and rite away I tried to get a ride to Ogden but no luck.

I called there family’s and told them my situation and that I’m sorry that I couldn’t attend there funerals. After that I felt really sad and depressed and felt like I wasn’t able to do nothing.

After there funerals I moved up north and went to pay my respects.

Rumors

Rumors spread because people like to talk. People like to compeer them self whit others. Most of the time we want to be better then the other person. you want to be the one with the cute girlfriend or boyfriend. You want to be the one getting all the attention. Even when a person is bad a lot of people start to talk, and don’t say no I just want to help. People that want to help don’t go around talking shit. People that want to spared rumors go around talking there shit because there jellies of the other person getting the attention for there bad behavior. Rumors and drama go together. Say for example a girl calls this other girl a bitch because she got whit the man she wanted. First of all calling her a bitch is making up a rumor, second of all how does she know she is a bitch? Third she is being too dramatic about it I mean come on is not the end of the world. I think rumors spared, spicily those that are untrue quickly because people have a lot of hate and jalousie in them. I say why can’t they just mind there own? Rumors are bad they could hurt people inside, make them feel bad about them self, they could sometimes even get some to commit suicide. Or it could make a person evil inside, you might be thinking about how funny the rumor that you made up about them is. When there thinking about killing you with out no one knowing about it. DON’T SPEED RUMORS YOUR BETER THEN THAT.

Arranged Marriages

There are a lot of advantages to arranged marriage. Such as you have that special day is all planned out and how you want it to turn out. It helps you with your plans like what time do you want it and that helps the people to know where it is going to be at. Or it lets you know how many people will be coming to the wedding and how many people will be eating. With the arrangements it will help a lot to keep it in order and how you want it and will give an idea of what it’s going to be like. It shows that you only have so much time to get the things you need to do done. You can get things prepared how you want to have them such as the food, desert, theme, music, and the sight of knowing that you in control.

When there are advantages there is always a disadvantage even if is as small as getting stuck in the rain. There is always that chance that you can get in a big fight before the wedding and cancel the wedding. Or there is that plan of planning for so many people and then ends up that you get more people there than you was expecting, then those people will be stuck with out food. Then if you are coming to the due date of the wedding and you’re not done with every thing it can hurt you because the wedding didn’t turn out how you wanted it to. But there are a lot of disadvantages to this cause you never really know how something like this will turn out.

If some one came up to me and asked me if I would have arranged marriage I would say yes. I think it’s because you have to think of all the disadvantages and the advantages and compare. Because to me overall the advantages will way over the disadvantages of the wedding. Plus I think you should think of the possibility of getting stuck in the rain, having to pay a lot, or not having enough time to do what needs to be done. So overall I would choose the choice to have an arranged marriage because I like to have things planned out.

Dang Rumors

I HATE RUMORS!!! Usually rumors that are untrue spread so quickly because people over exaggerate them. They tell everybody, but the truth people don’t necessarily care about the truth.

Rumors can affect individuals and communities in many different ways. For it to effect individuals it’s quite easy, it gets back to the person it started with and they are like, “I told the person I did tell not to tell,” or that’s not what happened or something of that nature. In communities it can start protest and fights and just stress. Like say a business said that they are thinking about teasing things down and people protest because they heard that they were going to tear it down for sure. Then that starts stuff that don’t need to be started.

Rumors are a total waste of my and everybody’s time. It hurts peoples feelings. It’s just stupid, why cause drama? It’s not worth it, just let it go. WHO CARES???? Defiantly not me, I got so much better things to do with my words and what I do with my life. Geez people need to grow up! How hard is it to be like cool, ok, and just forget about it? Not very hard!!!

People in my opinion need to be nice unless it’s absolutely a have to. Like say cheating, or talking crap then ya go for it. Of course I’m not going to tell people what to day, but I hope I can influence people to make right decisions.

Arranged Marriages

Do you think that it is ok to have arranged marriages? I think that one of the main reasons of why people do it is because they really don’t have a lot of trust foe their kids. One of the benefits would be that if you marry some one and you don’t love him or her then you will soon grow to love him or her. I also believe that there are a lot of benefits and disadvantages to go along with arranged marriages. And one of the disadvantages is that if your child doesn’t seem to love the men or women that you choose for them to marry that is their fault not yours. Because they are not taking the time to get to know him or her in the first place and so it won’t last as long. Because that trust isn’t even there at all.

I think that it’s because my opinion has to be that it is not really worth losing respect from your kids. Not I’d rather let my children go out with any man or lady they want and marry any one of them they want instead of me choosing one for them and forcing them to marry that one person. To me it really messes with them and I know that it has to be really hard because when I was at home and I was dating my parents hated all the ladies that I dated. I really know how they felt in the old days. Now let’s say that you are in a relationship with your children is great I mean way great and then all of a sudden you force them into a relationship that you want them to be in. Guess what happens next? They end up saying they hate your guts and that they wish that they weren’t ever born. How does that make you feel? I can tell you it would make me feel really crappy if that happened to me and my kids.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Abortion

Abortion? Well I don’t think any woman should have an abortion. Just because you should to think about the kid because I think every baby deserves to have a life. For example if a girl gets rapped I don’t think any baby shouldn’t get a life because the girl got rapped .Because it’s not like the baby was the one rapping the girl and I don’t think any one should take any ones life. Let’s say that you didn’t get raped and you were the one to choose to have sex and now that you’re pregnant you want to have an abortion. Personally to me I don’t think that give you a reason to take a child’s life. If you are willing too take the risk of getting pregnant you should have a problem keeping the baby when you are pregnant.

To me a lot of people but not all think it is unfair that they are having a harder life because they are pregnant. Sometimes it’s hard for people to realize that they had the choice to have sex and to me that’s kind of choosing if you want to have a baby. So now that some of you life has been taken cause of getting pregnant or raped. Does that mean you take a life? By thinking by when you got raped you should take another child’s life does it make it right. It’s like that saying two wrongs don’t make a right.

Cant being rapped or just being pregnant give you the motivation to give your kid the life that you didn’t get cause of getting pregnant?

Image

What does it mean to be some one your not? Well I have been hiding my true self in the dark for so many years that I didn’t want to let it show. I still remember till this day I can still remember that day. Most of the reason I did it is because I lost my dad due to suicide in 2001 so it hurt me allot to show it. It was really hard for me to get along with anyone so I didn’t have any friends to hang out with so I turned to drugs.

I think that one of the biggest reasons of why I turned to drugs is because I didn’t want anyone to know how I really felt inside. People who do the same things that I did when I was at home now look like idiots to me. Is it really worth it? To me back then I thought it was worth it but now I look at it and I tell myself “that was so not worth doing drugs over.” Till this day it is still kind of hard for me to let the real me show not only because I keep all of my emotions held in. but because I’m afraid of what people will say about it to me.

I’m not kidding. How many of us teens are addicted to drugs? How many of us get locked up and taken out of home for them? That’s when I ask the same question is it really worth it. Because to me it was. But now look at me can you imagine me the way I am today 3 years ago. I can’t. Ever.

Suicide

Suicide is serious. It’s the wrong way to get away from your problems. I know a lot of people who chose that way of leaving there problems behind. It just leaves people confused and don’t know what to do. They try to blame them self’s for the loss and say they should have done something different.

In my experience I know how it feels to lose some one to suicide. It’s sad to think one of your friends would do something like that. Thinking I grew up with him I never thought he would be the one to do that. I always tried to figure out why they did it? What pushed them to the point of suicide?

I think about my friends that passed every night. To this day I still wonder why they did what they did. Over time we found out some of there problems. Thinking why couldn’t he just come to my house that night or why couldn’t I be there to stop him?

At least I know there safe know and always looking down on me. I still keep in touch with there families. We always share good memories of them and talk about all the good times we had together.

People who blame their problems on others

I don’t like people who blame there problems on others. Some people do that a lot whit out even seeing it. An example is some one is on drugs it’s hard to leave drugs but at the end is our choice. We are the ones hurting our self by using drug and blaming it on others. What do you think that by sitting down and smoking Meth your going to stop your parents from fighting? I say no! Life is hard, but hold on and be strong.

So next time your sitting there saying, I hate my parents when they fight that is why I use meth. Well why don’t you ask your self what is the rill reason that you do drugs. I used drugs because I liked them plus I didn’t have anything good in my life. I didn’t really want to make any thing of my life I was just stupid, I new that prison was my destiny. But I didn’t know what the future had in store for me.

The future brought me a son that I love very much. I am committed to be there for him till the end till I die. So no more drugs for me or blaming my problems on others I have respect for my son in many ways. He has respect for me and I always want to have my sons respect. I’m not going to blame no one for my problems and I’m going to keep my head up.

Suicide

My thoughts on suicide are that it’s personal, like it has to do with your emotions, feelings, and way you think. It does happen quite often in this world. Trust me, I have tried to commit suicide a couple of times. I have tried pulling the trigger. I have tried drowning myself.

I was in some bad times in my life. It was my first time trying it with the gun. I just got my 9mm and I put it to my head and I hesitated. I couldn’t do it. What stopped me was my girlfriend and my mom. I closed my eyes and I pictured their faces.

When I tried drowning myself I went boating but I didn’t go on the boat. I just swam, I would swim as far as I could in the middle of Red Fleet Lake, and then I would swim as deep as I could then just sit there. I would be so far down that I wouldn’t be able to swim up fast enough. I could never do it. I always saw my mom’s and my girlfriends face. I thought I was a screw up but their faces brought me up . I thank God everyday for them. Thank You!

I know a couple people that have tried and succeeded. My uncle is one of them. I was very close to him. I found out he hung himself in his shed. My aunt found him hanging in the middle of the shed. I miss him so much. Rest in Peace Jason.

Suicide in my opinion can be prevented. It’s up to the people that are thinking about it. In suicide you have a choice to live or die. I’m a perfect example, I prevented it.

In my opinion I don’t think anybody is to blame in suicide. It’s all personal thoughts and actions. People can add to it, but people can’t make suicide happen. Everybody has a choice to live in suicide. I just hope people make the right decision. Nobody should have to go through suicide or suicide in a family.

Truth be Told

Honesty. What is honesty? Honesty is being truthful and not lying to another person. Why is honesty important? To me it is important because when you are honest with a person they grow respect for you, and it will help build a strong relationship between you and that person. If you are not honest with a person they will see you as a dishonest person and have a hard time believing you. If you are trying to build a dishonest relation ship with someone it will be hard and pointless. That’s why I try to build strong and honest relationships.

For instance my cousin and I were hanging out one day and he tried to sneak out of his house to meet up with his girlfriend, come to find out his mom knew what was up so a so during dinner his mom started to talk to him about honesty and said to my cousin that he better not be sneaking out of the house. My cousin said “o no mom we aren’t going to sneak out. So when I and my cousin thought that his mom and dad were in bed we hopped out of the window. The bad part of that was that my aunt and uncle were sitting on the swing right around the corner from his bedroom. Ever since then my aunt stopped letting my cousin sleep in the basement. And on top of that she don’t trust my cousin and I. Ever since then I have tried my hardest to be a truthful person so that I can have peoples trust instead of them not trusting me and always having to watch me. To me it is just allot better than being babysat. Now that I am a truthful person I have got a lot more respect

Having a Child or Having an Abortion?

I think that an abortion is not worth the child’s life. I think that it is not fair to the child. I don’t think women should have to go through the pain and suffering of losing/ giving up their child to death. I think that instead you should put the child up for adoption.

My mother could not take care of me so she put me up for adoption. I think that she made a good decision I am happy with the family I am with. My little sister is adapted to.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Belief

God? Yeah I believe there is a God. And I also do believe that he doesn’t just sit back and watch. I think God comes into your life and helps you and guides you when you when you ask for help. But if you don’t want help God will wait for you to ask. And I think God does it that way because he knows that at some point you are going to look to him for help or Guidance.

Many times in my life I have been struggling with something and I tried to fix it myself without the help of others. I used to think that asking god for a miracle was a waste of my time, but as time went by and I got deeper and deeper into my problems and I had nothing else but God, I decided to take the risk of being disappointed if things didn’t get better. That time in my life things turned around for me. Maybe its just coincidences, maybe I just got lucky. Or maybe that was God giving me a hand and helping me get up on my feet again. It took me 6 years to finally realize that things happen for a reason. And that when God does something he has a purpose for doing it.

A couple years back when I was I was only young but understood things my brother zack past away. That right there was the event that changed everything for me. From that point on I didn’t want to have anything to do with the church. Everyday I would ask why God would take him. He never did anything wrong. And he just took him from are family like that. Without warning. Still to this day I have a hard time wondering why God would do such a thing. But ive come to realize that hes in a better place now. And he is watching over me and helping me get through my struggles.

So if I still believed that god just sat back and watched then I wouldn’t be where I am right now. This has helped me to grow. And I am at peace with Gods decision.

My Parents

My mom and dad are both Mexican my parents are not together no more. My dad has anger problems and drinks a lot. My mom left him when I was 13 he use to hit her that is why she left him. I think my mom was right to leave him. I mean who would like to live whit a person that treats you worse then a dog. I know I didn’t like my dad and I did hate him for all the time I lived whit him. Even when I didn’t live whit him no more I hated him till I had my kid. When I had my kid I saw how hard life could be and I understood how he felt. He had a job that paid him like 700 $ every two weeks and six kids. Now I could see what he went true but he still had no right to treat us the way he did.

My mom has her goods and bad things but mostly good I should say. My mom is not good at making choices. She is not so good at being a mom no more too. Before she was a really good mom and now she is more like a dad. She comes from work and is tired she doesn’t really care about what we do no more she don’t cook for us no more. She spends her time whit her boyfriend most of the time.

She has a lot of good things about her even if she makes bad choices. My mom doesn’t judge me for my bad choices. I’m thankful to her for giving me life and always being around when I need her. I thank her for not kicking me and chucky out on the street.

What does it mean to be a messed up friend?

Well have you ever had a friend that said that no matter what you did that he will always have your back. Well I have and he said over and over that he would always have my back no matter how hard the times get between us and I feel like a fool for believing he meant it and he really didn’t. I mean you know how a homie that tells you to your face that no matter what he is your true friend.

So when a fight breaks out and you are stuck in the middle of it and your homie comes along and just stands there while he watches you get jumped I mean it is pretty messed up when that happens. And you can’t see what you did for him/her to do that to you. So you sit there all alone in the dark alley of the ghetto just thinking to yourself why he /she did what they did to a good friend like you. That’s when I finally figured out that he’s not my true friend if he did what he did to me just to be a traitor and turn his back on me I mean that’s what start’s problems between two homie’s.

If your homie asks you to smoke some weed what would you say and what would you do??? I don’t even have to think about that one I will straight up tell them no because if they want me to smoke weed then they aren’t my true friends are they.

The Principal's Office

Have you ever been called to the principles office? I have many times. Weather good or bad its always a weird feeling. Once I step in to the office my palms start to sweat and I get the butterflies. As I sit down thinking some thing bad is going to happen.

I can follow rules that’s no problem. It’s just if I’m motivated to work I’ll work. If I’m not motivated then I’m not going to work. I don’t like school but I want to graduate. In order to do that I have to follow all rules and I can’t be sent to the principles office.

Actions or Words

So the question is are words or actions more powerful. Personally I think both of those as equal because it can work in both areas. It just depends on what type of setting you are in. Because if you have a person that actually will listen it makes it easier to persuade that person when you have someone that will listen. I would have to say it depends on what kind of setting you are in. Because when you compare they both have equal power it all about the setting you are in and what is happening. For example when your trying to get someone to not get high it takes words cause if you try to use actions either you take from him/or her they will get mad or they will go and get more. Then when you use actions is when someone dies because you can’t just say sorry cause that just isn’t enough you probably should give them a hug and show them how much you really care.

Momma

My parents are crazy; well my mom is. She is awesome, she is way short. She is the best mom anybody could ask for. She has red hair. My mom is 5’1 so she is short. I probably resemble my mom the most. I can’t stand my dad, but who cares. I can’t stand my dad because he doesn’t want me in his life. He told my brother and me that he wishes that we would get hit by a dump truck, and that we were both a mistake. I have just said “I’m not going to even worry bout him, if he don’t want me in his life then I don’t want him in mine.” I don’t need my dad, when I have my baby I’m going to be a better dad than him. He has taught me how not to raise and love my kids. He has taught me to not abandon my kids if they have some kind of problem, such as a drug problem. Also he has taught me to keep my kids close as possible unlike him.

Words Have Power

Yes I believe that words do have power, it affects our lives. They have more power to harm others in our lives. Harmful words are the only way to destroy others self-esteem. Putting others down is a way that a person builds themselves up. The other thing is that they would let you hurt them. It hurts you more than them sometimes. There was a time when I was in the seventh grade when I was in the hall and my friend and I started to put down others. I stopped and told my friend to stop so he turned around and punched me in the gut. That goes to show you how words can harm others.

Loyalty

I show my loyalty to my friends in many different ways. I always have their backs no matter what they got themselves in. I never talk bad to them or down to them. I am there to listen to them when they need to talk/or vent. Showing loyalty is a good trait because you can earn their respect and trust and to me that is an important thing to gain. I know also by showing my loyalty to my friend that they will do the same thing for me. Friends are your next closest thing to family so do all you can to keep your friendships from falling apart.

Not being loyal to your friends is a very rude thing do. Your friends are an essential part of your life, they help keep you company. For example, lying to your friends can result in a loss of trust. Another one is disrespecting your friends. Disrespecting your friends can cause a distance friendship or no friendship at all. Keeping friends is also a happy part of life, you will most likely be happier with friends than without.