“But, oh, what a deceiver he turned out to be only a really cruel people can be called deformed. Virtue is beauty, but someone beautiful and wicked is like an empty box decorated by the devil.” –Antonio
Trying to see someone for who they are and not just this pretty face is true beauty. We today, stereotype people into these categories and don’t give them a chance to show who they really are. People’s emotions and the way they look are possibly opposites. Just because you’re beautiful on the outside doesn’t mean you have the true beauty inside. The gift to feel emotion and lay off the attitude makes you that one person who is lucky to have you or find you, happy or even fall in love. I know for me I give those other people that usually get past by a chance because they’re the ones that have a heart of gold. Once you see what’s on the inside the outside becomes this breath-taking creation from god. They begin to speak to you words from angels that are from their hearts and you just fly high to cloud nine. I’ve had in my life, stunning, gorgeous people, but they became these Medusa Cretans from hell when they start to move their tongues to speak. Their heart turns into this pulse-less abyss. Try something new in life. Give one person those 5 minutes, which was wasted on the Cretan jerk, and hear those sweet words of truth. You will hear the truth about yourself and not just these bull crap fake words just to get in your pants. You will be shown who you really are, and what others see in you. You possibly thought the real you was lost or hidden, but you will shine brighter than the sun when they put you on that pedestal. Maybe you hid yourself due to the past but there are those saints out there waiting for you to hear the words of truth, that the others were to frightened to say. I guarantee that you will take a step back and think, “Dang. That is so true, true beauty is inside and not always on the outside.” We all know that saying that goes like “Opposites attract.” It’s just the beginning of what life gives meaning too. ♥
Friday, January 7, 2011
Fate
“ Fate do your work. We human beings don’t control our own destines. What is destined to happen must happen. So let it happen”
Well one of the reasons of why I chose this quote is mainly because most of the time when something bad happens to me I get pissed and blame it on other people. But as I stop and think about it it’s no one else’s fault but mine. So usually when I’m in trouble with the law or something like that is when I choose to use a whole bunch of thinking errors. One of my favorite thinking errors to use is it was not my fault at all I lost my visit cause of him. I understand that it’s none’s fault that I’m in trouble but my own. Now that I understand that it will be a whole lot easier for me to have more close friends and to keep them close but keep my enemies closer. By the way what does it mean to keep your friends close but your enemies closer.” Well I think it means that if you have a whole lot if enemies then you want to keep them really close. Not only because you might hate them but also because who knows they could be your best friend one day. So if I were you I’d keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Because if you don’t do that then you will never know for sure if you would have been really good friends or not. So if I were you I’d think it through all the way first. Cause in my eyes all of us wish we could have everyone be friends. Cause in my eyes I think that the world would be a whole lot less corrupt if everyone were friends and if we all had each others back like they were our family. What does family really mean?-
Well one of the reasons of why I chose this quote is mainly because most of the time when something bad happens to me I get pissed and blame it on other people. But as I stop and think about it it’s no one else’s fault but mine. So usually when I’m in trouble with the law or something like that is when I choose to use a whole bunch of thinking errors. One of my favorite thinking errors to use is it was not my fault at all I lost my visit cause of him. I understand that it’s none’s fault that I’m in trouble but my own. Now that I understand that it will be a whole lot easier for me to have more close friends and to keep them close but keep my enemies closer. By the way what does it mean to keep your friends close but your enemies closer.” Well I think it means that if you have a whole lot if enemies then you want to keep them really close. Not only because you might hate them but also because who knows they could be your best friend one day. So if I were you I’d keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Because if you don’t do that then you will never know for sure if you would have been really good friends or not. So if I were you I’d think it through all the way first. Cause in my eyes all of us wish we could have everyone be friends. Cause in my eyes I think that the world would be a whole lot less corrupt if everyone were friends and if we all had each others back like they were our family. What does family really mean?-
Fate Do Your Work
“Fate, do your work. We human being don’t control our own destinies. What is fated to happen must happen. So let it happen!” Olivia p. 59
“Fate vs. destiny?” To me I don’t agree with this quote. This is be cause I think a person has all the choice to pick there own destiny. Because by what ever you do in life by choices and physical work you are letting your destiny turn how you want it to. I think that everyone has there own choices in what they do and to me a destiny is related to that.
Don’t get me wrong I do believe that things do happen for there own apparent reason. But that little thing still doesn’t fulfill your destiny. It may change it a little bit and overall I think you as a being have the control of your destiny.
My uncle said “Life is what you decide to make it so make it a good one.” To me that phrase says that we are the ones making the choices and to me if we can make decisions and choice we should be able to make our destinies.
For a good example I decided to go and get into trouble with people and do my own thing and what I wanted to do. And all the time I was out doing bad stuff I was making the choices and to me that isn’t fate it’s a choice I had to make. If you look at all the possibilities maybe it was fate for me to pick out my own destine and I wanted it to be. It’s just how you want to take the phrase in you brain.
For me I think that it was fate for me to pick how I wanted my destiny to turn out. Well that’s what I think about that phrase or quote. I know that choice ties into your destiny big time because of what I have done to make my future.
“Fate vs. destiny?” To me I don’t agree with this quote. This is be cause I think a person has all the choice to pick there own destiny. Because by what ever you do in life by choices and physical work you are letting your destiny turn how you want it to. I think that everyone has there own choices in what they do and to me a destiny is related to that.
Don’t get me wrong I do believe that things do happen for there own apparent reason. But that little thing still doesn’t fulfill your destiny. It may change it a little bit and overall I think you as a being have the control of your destiny.
My uncle said “Life is what you decide to make it so make it a good one.” To me that phrase says that we are the ones making the choices and to me if we can make decisions and choice we should be able to make our destinies.
For a good example I decided to go and get into trouble with people and do my own thing and what I wanted to do. And all the time I was out doing bad stuff I was making the choices and to me that isn’t fate it’s a choice I had to make. If you look at all the possibilities maybe it was fate for me to pick out my own destine and I wanted it to be. It’s just how you want to take the phrase in you brain.
For me I think that it was fate for me to pick how I wanted my destiny to turn out. Well that’s what I think about that phrase or quote. I know that choice ties into your destiny big time because of what I have done to make my future.
Fate Destiny
“Fate, do your work. We human being don’t control our own destinies. What is fated to happen must happen. So let it happen!” Olivia p. 59
We humans don’t have control of are own destinies things happen in are life that we cant control. Sometimes we do like if we know something’s going to happen if we do that then we can stop it from happening if we wanted to. But even still we don’t care we still risk it just to see what’s going to happen. Things happen in your life for a reason sometimes its for the good and sometimes its for the bad but we cant do nothing about it. Fate is what’s going to happen later in our lives sometimes we can choose to make it good and be happy with it or we can make it bad and just live our lives horrible. But fate just happens sometimes or we can change it earlier in life and make it better so we can be happier in life. So what ever you decide just let it happen and deal with it and just make the best out of it you get what you get in life and you can’t do none about it unless you plan on before and start making your life good for later in life. Just deal with it
We humans don’t have control of are own destinies things happen in are life that we cant control. Sometimes we do like if we know something’s going to happen if we do that then we can stop it from happening if we wanted to. But even still we don’t care we still risk it just to see what’s going to happen. Things happen in your life for a reason sometimes its for the good and sometimes its for the bad but we cant do nothing about it. Fate is what’s going to happen later in our lives sometimes we can choose to make it good and be happy with it or we can make it bad and just live our lives horrible. But fate just happens sometimes or we can change it earlier in life and make it better so we can be happier in life. So what ever you decide just let it happen and deal with it and just make the best out of it you get what you get in life and you can’t do none about it unless you plan on before and start making your life good for later in life. Just deal with it
Fate
“Fate, do your work. We human being don’t control our own destinies. What is fated to happen must happen. So let it happen!” Olivia p. 59
I think it is good to have faith but me personally I don’t believe in destiny. My reasons behind that are that we were not destined to turn out like criminals like my self and others. Destiny is a bunch of B.S. I personally believe that we make our own destiny. I will make my own destiny. I will not let anyone make it for me!! I think with fate we would have a better chance of making a better destiny/future for ourselves. Fate is just believing in something. Without believing in something or believing in yourself you probably won’t get any were in life. I have figured that it will be easier to make my own destiny than let someone do it for me. I like how some people believe that when you are born you are born with a destiny. THAT IS A BUNCH OF B.S makes your own destiny. Live life with fate and a good attitude. Respect people and you will be respected. You and your attitude will determine your destiny. Your destiny is chosen by you so chose a good one. If I could go back and make some changes I would because right now my destiny don’t look to promising!
I think it is good to have faith but me personally I don’t believe in destiny. My reasons behind that are that we were not destined to turn out like criminals like my self and others. Destiny is a bunch of B.S. I personally believe that we make our own destiny. I will make my own destiny. I will not let anyone make it for me!! I think with fate we would have a better chance of making a better destiny/future for ourselves. Fate is just believing in something. Without believing in something or believing in yourself you probably won’t get any were in life. I have figured that it will be easier to make my own destiny than let someone do it for me. I like how some people believe that when you are born you are born with a destiny. THAT IS A BUNCH OF B.S makes your own destiny. Live life with fate and a good attitude. Respect people and you will be respected. You and your attitude will determine your destiny. Your destiny is chosen by you so chose a good one. If I could go back and make some changes I would because right now my destiny don’t look to promising!
Friday, December 10, 2010
My Grandma
“They need to do some more tests” grandpa said. I was eight years old when I found out that my grandma had terminal lung cancer. She was feeling sick one morning so my grandpa took her to the hospital, and he checked her in. It was about 2:30 pm when my grandpa called and wanted to talk to me. “We need to take your grandma to the hospital in Provo Utah so that she can have more accurate tests done”.
“Can I come with you?” I asked to here my grandpa tell me NO! I was so scared I didn’t want to lose my grandma she was my best friend. The next morning I got up at 7:00 am to get ready for school and to catch the bus. Lunch at my school started at around 11:30 in the afternoon. That’s when I got the bad news.
The intercom beeped and called out “We need Levi to come to the front office he is wanted on the phone”. I got up out of my seat, collected all of my things, and then left. When I got to the front office I walked in and picked up the phone. When I heard the first few words come out of my moms mouth I about broke down and started to cry.
“Your grandmother isn’t doing so well” I remember asking my mom what’s wrong, and I remember her telling me “she has been started on chemo therapy and they are afraid that she has gotten an infection from it.” And that their main concern would be that she might not be able to fight it off. I started to think to myself that Easter is just a week around the corner and that there is a chance that I might not get to spend it with my grandma. That was the worst thought ever, and I was thinking about how it would be.
“We need to help you pack some clothes, do your chores, and then go get some gas for the car we are going to Provo to spend some time with your grandmother.” I was so happy knowing that I was going to get to spend some time with my grandma. I planned on sitting right there next to her for the whole five days we were going to be there. I brought books and crayons for me and her to color. It took an hour and a half to get there, witch isn’t very long but to me it felt like days.
“I felt so helpless.” When we got there my dad went to ask what room she was being held in and he found out she was in room # 307. I took off and ran down hall after hall looking for the room. When I finally found the room I walked through the door, and I seen my grandpa sitting there crying. I walked in to find out why he was crying. The things that I was seeing mad me cry and feel helpless. Right before my eyes I seen my grandma hooked up to all kinds of different machines and Ivey’s. The infection was so bad that it had made my grandmas body start to swell. She didn’t even look like my once before beautiful grandma.
“Hey kido” my grandpa said with tears rolling off his cheek and onto the floor. “The doctor said your grandmother is in pretty bad condition and that they didn’t expect her to make it past Easter.” I started to cry even harder, and went over to my grandma and laid my head on her stomach and started to tell her how much I would miss her and how much I love her. My grandpa then picked me up and kissed me on the cheek and said “Everything will be okay; your grandma is going to a better place, a place without suffering and sickness. The doctor came up to me and my family about three o’clock in the afternoon to tell us the bad news.
“Your grandmother is not going to make it, and that he would be surprised if she even made it through the night. And that was the first holiday that I didn’t get to spend with my grandma. A week later my family and I attended the funeral. It was the hardest thing to attend just for the fact I had to watch them put my grandma, my best friend, and a wonderful person six feet under.
“Can I come with you?” I asked to here my grandpa tell me NO! I was so scared I didn’t want to lose my grandma she was my best friend. The next morning I got up at 7:00 am to get ready for school and to catch the bus. Lunch at my school started at around 11:30 in the afternoon. That’s when I got the bad news.
The intercom beeped and called out “We need Levi to come to the front office he is wanted on the phone”. I got up out of my seat, collected all of my things, and then left. When I got to the front office I walked in and picked up the phone. When I heard the first few words come out of my moms mouth I about broke down and started to cry.
“Your grandmother isn’t doing so well” I remember asking my mom what’s wrong, and I remember her telling me “she has been started on chemo therapy and they are afraid that she has gotten an infection from it.” And that their main concern would be that she might not be able to fight it off. I started to think to myself that Easter is just a week around the corner and that there is a chance that I might not get to spend it with my grandma. That was the worst thought ever, and I was thinking about how it would be.
“We need to help you pack some clothes, do your chores, and then go get some gas for the car we are going to Provo to spend some time with your grandmother.” I was so happy knowing that I was going to get to spend some time with my grandma. I planned on sitting right there next to her for the whole five days we were going to be there. I brought books and crayons for me and her to color. It took an hour and a half to get there, witch isn’t very long but to me it felt like days.
“I felt so helpless.” When we got there my dad went to ask what room she was being held in and he found out she was in room # 307. I took off and ran down hall after hall looking for the room. When I finally found the room I walked through the door, and I seen my grandpa sitting there crying. I walked in to find out why he was crying. The things that I was seeing mad me cry and feel helpless. Right before my eyes I seen my grandma hooked up to all kinds of different machines and Ivey’s. The infection was so bad that it had made my grandmas body start to swell. She didn’t even look like my once before beautiful grandma.
“Hey kido” my grandpa said with tears rolling off his cheek and onto the floor. “The doctor said your grandmother is in pretty bad condition and that they didn’t expect her to make it past Easter.” I started to cry even harder, and went over to my grandma and laid my head on her stomach and started to tell her how much I would miss her and how much I love her. My grandpa then picked me up and kissed me on the cheek and said “Everything will be okay; your grandma is going to a better place, a place without suffering and sickness. The doctor came up to me and my family about three o’clock in the afternoon to tell us the bad news.
“Your grandmother is not going to make it, and that he would be surprised if she even made it through the night. And that was the first holiday that I didn’t get to spend with my grandma. A week later my family and I attended the funeral. It was the hardest thing to attend just for the fact I had to watch them put my grandma, my best friend, and a wonderful person six feet under.
Narrative
“Why wont you do what you need to do mijo?” I didn’t answer my moms questions anymore just didn’t care what she had to say didn’t listen anymore doing what I wanted do. Doing my own thing always partying 24 – 7 not worrying about nothing I was having fun always smoking coming home high my mom would see me but that didn’t stop me doing what I was doing. Robbing stores getting high fighting picking up new charges mostly every week. Getting more and more trouble by the day.
The day finally came I got in to much trouble my mom said I cant handle you no more. We talked we decided together send me away for a while not knowing when I was going to come back. The next day my mom bought me a ticket for this guy to drive me to Morelos Mexico. A little while latter I packed my things together clothes everything I could take not to much cause they charge for every pound that it weighs. I said by to my family and my mom same time showing her the new tattoo that I had barley got I left.
We started are way to Mexico me and all these old Mexicans going to Mexico to finish the rest of there lives and I was going to start my new life. It took 3 long days and nights to get there not stopping only to get gas and food to use the bathroom to nothing else. Sleeping on ugly nasty smelly people it was disgusting in that van the whole way there it smelled like someone was farting and I think it was the old man next to me.
I had finally got to Mexico a part of Mexico that I had never been to it was my fist time in that part I been to Mexico before but this part was ugly and weird different than any other place I had been. I got there with this guy José that I had barley known still confused about him not knowing what to think what to do.
I started my new life in Mexico that day in Mexico no one helped me everything was all up to me. I had to take care of my own had to work for my own money had to work for things I needed. I needed a phone so I had to buy me one had to pay for every minute I used. For the first time of my life I really had to take care of myself it was harder than I thought it was going to be
Working in Mexico was so hard working in U.S. is nothing compared to Mexico. First job that I had over there was planting corn in the hot sun every day from morning working while the sun came up to when the sun fell making holes in the soil throwing a couple kernels in every whole closing them up no machinery all by hand. That was my new life it was a start but I started to move up after all that hard work I got a side job on the weekends. Now I was working with cement laying down cement for houses is what I was doing had to mix all the cement with shovels no machinery all by hand. It was the hardest jobs I ever had.
After 4 months I was finally going to leave Mexico and go home. I packed all my things and all my stuff and finally bought my self a ticket and by the next morning I was on the bus by 6 leaving. I went towards the border all by my self taking a couple different buses to get me to one spot it took me 3 days. I thought I had got lost a couple times or taken the wrong bus. I was right I had took all the right buses and finally got there to the border. I saw my mom for the first time in Nogales Mexico and we both crossed together and ate McDonalds. After that I rode again to salt lake. I was finally home.
The day finally came I got in to much trouble my mom said I cant handle you no more. We talked we decided together send me away for a while not knowing when I was going to come back. The next day my mom bought me a ticket for this guy to drive me to Morelos Mexico. A little while latter I packed my things together clothes everything I could take not to much cause they charge for every pound that it weighs. I said by to my family and my mom same time showing her the new tattoo that I had barley got I left.
We started are way to Mexico me and all these old Mexicans going to Mexico to finish the rest of there lives and I was going to start my new life. It took 3 long days and nights to get there not stopping only to get gas and food to use the bathroom to nothing else. Sleeping on ugly nasty smelly people it was disgusting in that van the whole way there it smelled like someone was farting and I think it was the old man next to me.
I had finally got to Mexico a part of Mexico that I had never been to it was my fist time in that part I been to Mexico before but this part was ugly and weird different than any other place I had been. I got there with this guy José that I had barley known still confused about him not knowing what to think what to do.
I started my new life in Mexico that day in Mexico no one helped me everything was all up to me. I had to take care of my own had to work for my own money had to work for things I needed. I needed a phone so I had to buy me one had to pay for every minute I used. For the first time of my life I really had to take care of myself it was harder than I thought it was going to be
Working in Mexico was so hard working in U.S. is nothing compared to Mexico. First job that I had over there was planting corn in the hot sun every day from morning working while the sun came up to when the sun fell making holes in the soil throwing a couple kernels in every whole closing them up no machinery all by hand. That was my new life it was a start but I started to move up after all that hard work I got a side job on the weekends. Now I was working with cement laying down cement for houses is what I was doing had to mix all the cement with shovels no machinery all by hand. It was the hardest jobs I ever had.
After 4 months I was finally going to leave Mexico and go home. I packed all my things and all my stuff and finally bought my self a ticket and by the next morning I was on the bus by 6 leaving. I went towards the border all by my self taking a couple different buses to get me to one spot it took me 3 days. I thought I had got lost a couple times or taken the wrong bus. I was right I had took all the right buses and finally got there to the border. I saw my mom for the first time in Nogales Mexico and we both crossed together and ate McDonalds. After that I rode again to salt lake. I was finally home.
Getting Caught
“What did you do with the $5 that I gave you for doing good in school?” My mom said.
“Huh what do you mean what did I do with the money. I spent it all on candy” I say. So now here I am sitting here in the circle. With a look of confusion on my face.
So now as I’m sitting there I tune out everything that is going on around me. But then I sit there and listen into what was being said and I hear “Well Chris tell me what did you spend all the money on? Did you spend it all on weed?” By the way he is my step brother. While I was sitting there I was feeling scared and nervous, because I didn’t want to get caught for something that I didn’t do.
I had a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind. Like “What if I get caught? What will the consequences be?” Will they be good or bad?” Then as I tune into the conversation I hear a sudden big bang. I told myself not to move but I wanted to. So finally after sitting still I decided to get up. I go to the front door and I see my uncle Mario standing there by it along with my uncle Danny.
So as I crept towards them they notice me then nothing. Next thing I notice I’m sitting there at the kitchen table and I hear “so you four going to tell us the truth or are we going to have to force it out of you?”
“No” I say. Afraid to say too much. Then I sit still just listening to them hit the table yelling at us about us buying the weed and smoking it with each other. So as that happens I just sit there. In utter silence. My heart feels like an abyss. At that moment I start to get angry at myself for doing such a thing. I mean my parents raised me better then that. I had it all a bed to sleep in, my own 360, my own TV, I had it all. But now because of this one little f*** up It’s all gone.
So after all of this has happened my mom finally comes over and asks me “Erick have you learned anything from this. I hope you did because I raised you better then that son.” Soon after that I say no and she says “fine your grounded for a few months.” At that point I’m shocked. I have learned that weed is bad for you. I also learned that my mom is kind of strict. Or can be most or all of the time. I had learned that as long as I kept doing this then I know that all of the trust that my family have for me or even in me will be gone. So now I’m just sitting on my bed telling myself that “it’s just another lesson learned.” So now have you ever been caught for smoking weed?
What did you feel like after you had been caught for smoking weed? Did you feel like crap? And if you haven’t been caught for smoking weed then what would you feel like if you did get caught for smoking weed?
“Huh what do you mean what did I do with the money. I spent it all on candy” I say. So now here I am sitting here in the circle. With a look of confusion on my face.
So now as I’m sitting there I tune out everything that is going on around me. But then I sit there and listen into what was being said and I hear “Well Chris tell me what did you spend all the money on? Did you spend it all on weed?” By the way he is my step brother. While I was sitting there I was feeling scared and nervous, because I didn’t want to get caught for something that I didn’t do.
I had a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind. Like “What if I get caught? What will the consequences be?” Will they be good or bad?” Then as I tune into the conversation I hear a sudden big bang. I told myself not to move but I wanted to. So finally after sitting still I decided to get up. I go to the front door and I see my uncle Mario standing there by it along with my uncle Danny.
So as I crept towards them they notice me then nothing. Next thing I notice I’m sitting there at the kitchen table and I hear “so you four going to tell us the truth or are we going to have to force it out of you?”
“No” I say. Afraid to say too much. Then I sit still just listening to them hit the table yelling at us about us buying the weed and smoking it with each other. So as that happens I just sit there. In utter silence. My heart feels like an abyss. At that moment I start to get angry at myself for doing such a thing. I mean my parents raised me better then that. I had it all a bed to sleep in, my own 360, my own TV, I had it all. But now because of this one little f*** up It’s all gone.
So after all of this has happened my mom finally comes over and asks me “Erick have you learned anything from this. I hope you did because I raised you better then that son.” Soon after that I say no and she says “fine your grounded for a few months.” At that point I’m shocked. I have learned that weed is bad for you. I also learned that my mom is kind of strict. Or can be most or all of the time. I had learned that as long as I kept doing this then I know that all of the trust that my family have for me or even in me will be gone. So now I’m just sitting on my bed telling myself that “it’s just another lesson learned.” So now have you ever been caught for smoking weed?
What did you feel like after you had been caught for smoking weed? Did you feel like crap? And if you haven’t been caught for smoking weed then what would you feel like if you did get caught for smoking weed?
Change is Good, Sobriety is Life
“What were you thinking?” Emili yelled at me through the phone.
“Huh? What?” I said still waking up. Confusion swarmed my tilt-a-world brain, still deciding if I want to spew or not.
“You saw what that s**t did to me. What made you think it was going to be different? It’s serious stuff. When the cops called me, I thought… I thought they were going to tell me they found your body.” Emili says fighting back the urge to cry.
It hit me that a bomb, the worlds ran through my mind like an express train to England. Then . . . it all came out. Seriously everything came out. The tears ran and flowed like never before.
Sitting in my room with three blankets and still felt like it was below zero. My clothes were soaked like I’d just gotten done with a water balloon fight. Frequently running for my full set room/and bathroom set toilet to let out all that was left in me. My cries turned to screams hoping this would stop. What felt like weeks was only four days. Finally shutting my eyes for some good unfamiliar sleep . . .
Boom, Boom, Boom. MJ the staff at the detention said unlocking my door. “Ashili you have a visit.”
“From who?” I said as she walked in a bit.
“Your mom.”
Walking down to the visiting section hurt like I was weighed down with thousands of pounds of withdrawal. I sat down, breathing like I just got done running a mile. Sudden tears fell from my moms’ eyes as she grabbed for a hug.
“Oh my gosh.”
“Ah, be careful.” I said wincing in pain. She stared at me for five minutes in silence. My eyes couldn’t even meet hers. My head hung down like it was decapitated. I was ashamed that I let my habit get this bad. I couldn’t let her have the satisfaction that she was right, I did need help.
After the visit, I felt as if I had met my maker. –Logically I did– I went to the nurse.
“Step up on the scale so we can get your weight again. When you came in you could hardly stand.” She said trying to be as gentle as possible. I was mute and felt oblivious to what I had done. Having that feeling of knowing you have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about bluntly . . . SUCKS!
“105.3. Okay now let’s get your height.” She continued trying not to give me the big eyed look.
After lights out I sat in my bed thinking ‘Do I want this in my life forever? , ‘Do I want to die?’ Do I want my sister, mom, or dad to get that call?’ No, I don’t. I need to stop being selfish and think about others around me. Take accountability for what I had done. Thankfully I now am proud to say I’m 7 months clean from cocaine and heroin.
“Huh? What?” I said still waking up. Confusion swarmed my tilt-a-world brain, still deciding if I want to spew or not.
“You saw what that s**t did to me. What made you think it was going to be different? It’s serious stuff. When the cops called me, I thought… I thought they were going to tell me they found your body.” Emili says fighting back the urge to cry.
It hit me that a bomb, the worlds ran through my mind like an express train to England. Then . . . it all came out. Seriously everything came out. The tears ran and flowed like never before.
Sitting in my room with three blankets and still felt like it was below zero. My clothes were soaked like I’d just gotten done with a water balloon fight. Frequently running for my full set room/and bathroom set toilet to let out all that was left in me. My cries turned to screams hoping this would stop. What felt like weeks was only four days. Finally shutting my eyes for some good unfamiliar sleep . . .
Boom, Boom, Boom. MJ the staff at the detention said unlocking my door. “Ashili you have a visit.”
“From who?” I said as she walked in a bit.
“Your mom.”
Walking down to the visiting section hurt like I was weighed down with thousands of pounds of withdrawal. I sat down, breathing like I just got done running a mile. Sudden tears fell from my moms’ eyes as she grabbed for a hug.
“Oh my gosh.”
“Ah, be careful.” I said wincing in pain. She stared at me for five minutes in silence. My eyes couldn’t even meet hers. My head hung down like it was decapitated. I was ashamed that I let my habit get this bad. I couldn’t let her have the satisfaction that she was right, I did need help.
After the visit, I felt as if I had met my maker. –Logically I did– I went to the nurse.
“Step up on the scale so we can get your weight again. When you came in you could hardly stand.” She said trying to be as gentle as possible. I was mute and felt oblivious to what I had done. Having that feeling of knowing you have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about bluntly . . . SUCKS!
“105.3. Okay now let’s get your height.” She continued trying not to give me the big eyed look.
After lights out I sat in my bed thinking ‘Do I want this in my life forever? , ‘Do I want to die?’ Do I want my sister, mom, or dad to get that call?’ No, I don’t. I need to stop being selfish and think about others around me. Take accountability for what I had done. Thankfully I now am proud to say I’m 7 months clean from cocaine and heroin.
High and Drive, Don't Mix
At about 1:30 pm that is where it all started. I slide out of bed, nudging my cousin to wake up. Then I headed out side, grabbed the truck keys off the dashboard, slid the keys slowly into the ignition and started the truck to warm in the frosty winter. I hopped out of the truck and creped my way into the house and got ready.
“Hurry up lets go.” I said. Bolting out the door hopped in the truck. A minute later my cousin stormed out the door and hopped into the truck. We backed out of the parking lot and found the credit card. So, we can head off to the store & made it there.
We jumped out of the still running truck to not lose the heat that already built up. We walked into the store to see what we could find. “Go get the drinks and candy.” I said. “I will get the two Chicken Combos and the chips.” We start off to the front to pay for the food & then headed out to the still warmed truck.
We turned around instantly and headed towards the back roads, rattled over the rail road tracks & drove four or five blocks than slammed on the breaks. We grabbed the pipe and the half bag. Then we sat back and we started to blaze. Then about 20 min later I was on cloud 19 and didn’t know where the pipe went. “Where is the pipe?” I questioned. Then he said “It’s in your hand you idiot.” I grabbed the pipe with other hand and put it away. Then we started to eat like a rich family on Thanks Giving.
So we decided to leave when we finished eating. We drove to this trailer court down the street from my cousin’s house. At the trailer court they have this huge empty area in the middle of the trailer court. We decided to drive around and do some sliding around in the middle of it. My cousin and I kept sliding around until me and my cousin decided to head back to the house.
When I got home, & found out that my uncle knew I took is vehicle that now reeked of bud. That’s when I knew that I was caught getting high. That taught me not to get high and drive. Even if it’s in a town near home.
“Hurry up lets go.” I said. Bolting out the door hopped in the truck. A minute later my cousin stormed out the door and hopped into the truck. We backed out of the parking lot and found the credit card. So, we can head off to the store & made it there.
We jumped out of the still running truck to not lose the heat that already built up. We walked into the store to see what we could find. “Go get the drinks and candy.” I said. “I will get the two Chicken Combos and the chips.” We start off to the front to pay for the food & then headed out to the still warmed truck.
We turned around instantly and headed towards the back roads, rattled over the rail road tracks & drove four or five blocks than slammed on the breaks. We grabbed the pipe and the half bag. Then we sat back and we started to blaze. Then about 20 min later I was on cloud 19 and didn’t know where the pipe went. “Where is the pipe?” I questioned. Then he said “It’s in your hand you idiot.” I grabbed the pipe with other hand and put it away. Then we started to eat like a rich family on Thanks Giving.
So we decided to leave when we finished eating. We drove to this trailer court down the street from my cousin’s house. At the trailer court they have this huge empty area in the middle of the trailer court. We decided to drive around and do some sliding around in the middle of it. My cousin and I kept sliding around until me and my cousin decided to head back to the house.
When I got home, & found out that my uncle knew I took is vehicle that now reeked of bud. That’s when I knew that I was caught getting high. That taught me not to get high and drive. Even if it’s in a town near home.
Just a Cold
“No, no this can’t be happening.” Trying to breathe. I ran and ran to the point were my side cramped so bad that I collapsed. I was so close and that’s when I heard the noise that still makes me cringe to this day. An ambulance. As I stood up to attempt to run some more as I get to the corner of my street there went the ambulance. I was too late. He was already gone.
It was a quiet Sunday at the house. It was the end of February and it was still really chilly out side, so most the kids in are house had colds. I remember most of us kids were sitting on the floor in front of the T.V watching some cartoons. My Brother Zachary had a cold and runny nose. My dad called him upstairs to get some medicine “Zachary get up here and get some medicine before I lay down to take a nap.” “No dad” he said. He didn’t want to take the medicine but my dad insisted. He said “If you want to get better than you have to take this.” Finally he took the cough medicine.
I left to my girl friends house to go hangout. I wasn’t suppose to but I was a rebel. I did what I wanted when I wanted. It was towards the evening when my sister called my friends house. “Carly, you need to come home.” I asked “Why?” The next couple words were a blur. “Zachary stop breathing.” I didn’t even hang up the phone, I just ran out the door before anyone could offer to give me a ride or ask me what was the matter. I just ran and ran like I would never stop. And then I had stumbled to the ground from the pain in my side. I was so close. Just around the corner and I would be there. But the noise that rang in my ears told me I was too late. All I could think of is that I should have been there. I could have saved him. After the ambulance passed by I ran the rest of the way home. My neighbors were inside my house. It was all so confusing. I just wanted to find my parents.
Hours had passed by and we were all waiting downstairs on the couch and my parents walked through the door. My mom looked like sh*t. All I remember was apologizing for leaving the house without asking. We all sat on the couch and my my dad said was “he didn’t make it.”
It was a quiet Sunday at the house. It was the end of February and it was still really chilly out side, so most the kids in are house had colds. I remember most of us kids were sitting on the floor in front of the T.V watching some cartoons. My Brother Zachary had a cold and runny nose. My dad called him upstairs to get some medicine “Zachary get up here and get some medicine before I lay down to take a nap.” “No dad” he said. He didn’t want to take the medicine but my dad insisted. He said “If you want to get better than you have to take this.” Finally he took the cough medicine.
I left to my girl friends house to go hangout. I wasn’t suppose to but I was a rebel. I did what I wanted when I wanted. It was towards the evening when my sister called my friends house. “Carly, you need to come home.” I asked “Why?” The next couple words were a blur. “Zachary stop breathing.” I didn’t even hang up the phone, I just ran out the door before anyone could offer to give me a ride or ask me what was the matter. I just ran and ran like I would never stop. And then I had stumbled to the ground from the pain in my side. I was so close. Just around the corner and I would be there. But the noise that rang in my ears told me I was too late. All I could think of is that I should have been there. I could have saved him. After the ambulance passed by I ran the rest of the way home. My neighbors were inside my house. It was all so confusing. I just wanted to find my parents.
Hours had passed by and we were all waiting downstairs on the couch and my parents walked through the door. My mom looked like sh*t. All I remember was apologizing for leaving the house without asking. We all sat on the couch and my my dad said was “he didn’t make it.”
Mean Dad
“You stupid bi*ch you are just like your mom!” My dad yelled to me from inside the house. I didn’t want to go in, because my mom had left to a party. I knew if I went inside he would hit me just because he was mad and angry, because my mom had went to a birthday party. He came home and asked me to go in the house. I refuse to go in, because the beating would begin.
Instead I ran to the street crying I didn’t want to go inside. My dad treated me like trash just because he felt like trash him self. I stayed home because I didn’t have anything nice to wear. My dad was out drinking with his friends like every Sunday. So my mom thought it was ok for me to stay home. I did enjoy an hour by my self at home listing to music, till the beast showed up.
Then next thing you know I was running for my life. I ran, and ran he couldn’t catch me. I was small and quick, he was fat and slow. He was mad at me and I was enjoying the moment, his too fat can’t catch up saying mean things to me till I lost him.
Next thing you know I find my self at the store talking to a bunch of guys that knew me and my family. One was telling me to go home or my dad was going to kick my butt. I told him that’s why I’m here because he wants to beat me for no reason. Next thing you know my dad passes by. All the guys pretend not to know me.
He yells at me to come home and that he had called my mom and he had told her how stupid I was being, and that she is on her way. By the time I got home my mom was there. She asked me what was I doing on the street and why was I being disrespectful to my dad. I told her that he was being mean to me and that he was drunk and I was scared to be next to him because of the times he had tried to touch my sister. My dad said I was talking trash and that I just ran always to go kiss some guy. My mom didn’t know who to believe but my mom said that, I should get a beating for being on the street.
Instead I ran to the street crying I didn’t want to go inside. My dad treated me like trash just because he felt like trash him self. I stayed home because I didn’t have anything nice to wear. My dad was out drinking with his friends like every Sunday. So my mom thought it was ok for me to stay home. I did enjoy an hour by my self at home listing to music, till the beast showed up.
Then next thing you know I was running for my life. I ran, and ran he couldn’t catch me. I was small and quick, he was fat and slow. He was mad at me and I was enjoying the moment, his too fat can’t catch up saying mean things to me till I lost him.
Next thing you know I find my self at the store talking to a bunch of guys that knew me and my family. One was telling me to go home or my dad was going to kick my butt. I told him that’s why I’m here because he wants to beat me for no reason. Next thing you know my dad passes by. All the guys pretend not to know me.
He yells at me to come home and that he had called my mom and he had told her how stupid I was being, and that she is on her way. By the time I got home my mom was there. She asked me what was I doing on the street and why was I being disrespectful to my dad. I told her that he was being mean to me and that he was drunk and I was scared to be next to him because of the times he had tried to touch my sister. My dad said I was talking trash and that I just ran always to go kiss some guy. My mom didn’t know who to believe but my mom said that, I should get a beating for being on the street.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Is there anything worse than dying?
The only thing that I would think that would be worse than dying is loosing a child, or someone that is close to you, because you feel empty and like there is a big gapping whole right through you. Personal experiences that I have had that I personally think would be worse than dying is the day that my grandma died. The day that my grandma died is the day that my world pretty much depleted. From that day on my life hasn’t been the same because of the emptiness that I feel in my life. To me the feeling that I had was altogether worse than dying. But other than that I personally think that death is a gift if it peaceful. A peaceful death is a gift in my eyes because you’re moving on to a better life with nothing to worry about. Like the day that my grandma passed I could have a little peace of mind knowing that she wasn’t suffering from the infection that she got during chemotherapy and her lung cancer. People should be very appreciative when someone’s suffering is put to an end and move on to a better place. I miss my grandma tremendously but at the same time I am very happy that she doesn’t have to live a life of suffering, and hospitalization.
After a couple of my family members have died, I realized that a peaceful death is really a gift to you for another life of peace and no suffering. I guess you just overall need to take into consideration what your own personal thought on this subject is. Because after what I have been through I certainly took everything into consideration and gave it a little thought and I have come up the fact that I would rather die than loose a child or someone really close to me
After a couple of my family members have died, I realized that a peaceful death is really a gift to you for another life of peace and no suffering. I guess you just overall need to take into consideration what your own personal thought on this subject is. Because after what I have been through I certainly took everything into consideration and gave it a little thought and I have come up the fact that I would rather die than loose a child or someone really close to me
Yes I’ve taken many things for granted in my life. I hate to admit it but I have a real problem with it I take every little thing I get for granted that’s why am here right now in a proctor family but am trying to fix that and get help. I know it sounds cliché but I think the biggest thing I take for granted is my family they have tried to be there and support me and help me with every problem and bad thing I have. Now that am away from my family I realize how much they love and care for me it makes me sad thinking about how I treated them, and the person I treated bad was the one who cared for me the most my mom.
When I go home the first thing am going to do is huge my mom and tell her how sorry I am for treating her the way I did and try to make changes because I know she is trying to help me and make a better person so am going to stop smoking and drinking well am going top try haha.
Another thing I take advantage of when I think about It is my freedom. Now that I have no freedom I realize how precious it is. I use to get up and just party now I cant and I use to be able to smoke and drink when ever I pleased but now I cant and its hard for me. I like to do my own thing and not have to worry about the trouble that id get in this proctor thing am in I have no freedom and I also have no privacy and I have to work extra hard for everything, iv never really had to earn anything either so this is new too me having to be appropriate and nice for the small things I usually just get by asking any old way.
How I remember not to take things for granted is by thinking of where I am now and how I don’t want to be here again and how ill do any thing and everything in my power not to be here again ever in my whole life. So what am trying to say is we all take things for granted and were all trying to change something about ourselves.
When I go home the first thing am going to do is huge my mom and tell her how sorry I am for treating her the way I did and try to make changes because I know she is trying to help me and make a better person so am going to stop smoking and drinking well am going top try haha.
Another thing I take advantage of when I think about It is my freedom. Now that I have no freedom I realize how precious it is. I use to get up and just party now I cant and I use to be able to smoke and drink when ever I pleased but now I cant and its hard for me. I like to do my own thing and not have to worry about the trouble that id get in this proctor thing am in I have no freedom and I also have no privacy and I have to work extra hard for everything, iv never really had to earn anything either so this is new too me having to be appropriate and nice for the small things I usually just get by asking any old way.
How I remember not to take things for granted is by thinking of where I am now and how I don’t want to be here again and how ill do any thing and everything in my power not to be here again ever in my whole life. So what am trying to say is we all take things for granted and were all trying to change something about ourselves.
My Last Words
My lasts words to my mom would be
that I will never forget her. That my life without her would be dumb and boring. I wouldn’t want any other mom but her cause she’s the only one that makes me happy she the only one that can make me smile the one that was always there when I needed her she never left me even thou I would do her wrong. She was still always there even thou I would mess up and make her feel bad and sad and even make her cry. I would give her a hug and say im sorry.
My lasts words to my sister would be
that I had fun with her always doing dumb stuff and even thou we always messed up and got in trouble that it was all fun and I wouldn’t have are time together any other way and that im gonna miss her a lot. I would tell her to not mess up no more to stay straight and that she needs to take care of my little brother and my mom and to help her so she’s alright to do good in life and not mess up as bad as me.
that I will never forget her. That my life without her would be dumb and boring. I wouldn’t want any other mom but her cause she’s the only one that makes me happy she the only one that can make me smile the one that was always there when I needed her she never left me even thou I would do her wrong. She was still always there even thou I would mess up and make her feel bad and sad and even make her cry. I would give her a hug and say im sorry.
My lasts words to my sister would be
that I had fun with her always doing dumb stuff and even thou we always messed up and got in trouble that it was all fun and I wouldn’t have are time together any other way and that im gonna miss her a lot. I would tell her to not mess up no more to stay straight and that she needs to take care of my little brother and my mom and to help her so she’s alright to do good in life and not mess up as bad as me.
Anything Worse than Dying?
There are a lot of different minds on this subject but really it depends on the person. With some people would rather die. Other people think that dying is the worst thing out there. To me it can go either way. It really depends on what type of situation you are in at the time.
Here are some examples. Well to me I think that living can be worse than dying. Because lets say that you are really connected to your family and you love them more than the world. Just imagine if your whole family died in a plane crash on there way to a family reunion. To me of course the kid doesn’t want to live ever again because all he loved is pretty much gone.
But there are other situations like that. I think that people mainly don’t want to live in that situation because they are afraid and don’t know how to approach life. It is because there family is gone they do not know what to do there scared to live life on there own. It would be hard.
This is hard for me to decide on whether dying is worse or not. But me I am more with the dying. Because I think it would be worse to die because even if you are in a really bad situation there is still a lot to live for. Like if your family died you can always make your own family and it doesn’t have to be a horrible life. You just need to hope back up on that horse and make it do what you want to do.
All I am trying to say is that there is so much more that is worth living for. I know how people feel when they are in that bad situation and they don’t like it. The thing is how ever bad someone’s life is that should make there life all bad especially when you don’t know how the future is going to be like.
Here are some examples. Well to me I think that living can be worse than dying. Because lets say that you are really connected to your family and you love them more than the world. Just imagine if your whole family died in a plane crash on there way to a family reunion. To me of course the kid doesn’t want to live ever again because all he loved is pretty much gone.
But there are other situations like that. I think that people mainly don’t want to live in that situation because they are afraid and don’t know how to approach life. It is because there family is gone they do not know what to do there scared to live life on there own. It would be hard.
This is hard for me to decide on whether dying is worse or not. But me I am more with the dying. Because I think it would be worse to die because even if you are in a really bad situation there is still a lot to live for. Like if your family died you can always make your own family and it doesn’t have to be a horrible life. You just need to hope back up on that horse and make it do what you want to do.
All I am trying to say is that there is so much more that is worth living for. I know how people feel when they are in that bad situation and they don’t like it. The thing is how ever bad someone’s life is that should make there life all bad especially when you don’t know how the future is going to be like.
Things that I take for granted
I use to take people in my life for granted. Every time I woke up I use to get sick of listening to my family talk about normal things that family’s talk about. I use to get sick of waking up every morning to change my son’s dipper with a bad attitude. I even took my job for granted I would go to work all mad. I didn’t ever stop to thank god for all the things he blessed me with. I had a job I was doing well I was not starving, I sometimes couldn’t pay the rent but I got it paid at the end. Till one day I went to work all mad and I was cooking burgers at Burger King then the shift manager got mad at me for taking orders and cooking. I got so mad because I was jut doing my job plus I was already angry. Then I lost my job and then I didn’t have a job. I just got angrier and that anger got me to do stupid stuff. From doing stupid things I got a lot of charges, for drunk driving, fighting, assault charges all kinds of them. Until one day that I went to a guy’s house and pimped slapped him. The cops came and took me in. From that day on I’ve missed my family very much. Especially my son, I missed changing his dipper even. I missed my noisy family and my ghetto house. I lived with a porter family that had a nice house it was quiet all the time. But I didn’t like it I missed my baby, the Mexican music that my mom use to listen to, how I use to bump music out loud all the time and my mom didn’t say nothing. In my porter home we didn’t even get to listen to music at all. I had to pretend to like my porter family when I didn’t. I felt so alone and lost but at the same time loved my mom and my son more then ever and my brothers and my sister. Now when I get in to a talk fight with my little brothers I say to my self that the ways they show me love.
Do you Believe that something can be worse than dying?
I believe that there are only a couple of things that are worse than dying. These things to me would have to be the worse things that could ever happen. My mom would die!!!! That would be devastating. YA NO!!! It would get me to the point of suicide. I wouldn’t know what to do. I’m sorry for anybody that has to deal with there mom dying. I terrified of my mom dying. She has got me through at least 18 years of my life. She is the one that gave me life. Thank you momma!
Another thing is losing my kid to anything. Have him taken away from me, like by the state, kidnapped, death anything. It would crush me. I would also think about suicide. There is nothing more important to me than my kid, my mom, and my brother, and his family.
These things are about it. There aren’t many things that I think are worse than dying. Well if my family would actually claim me there would be more. There should probably be more that is more important.
Another thing is losing my kid to anything. Have him taken away from me, like by the state, kidnapped, death anything. It would crush me. I would also think about suicide. There is nothing more important to me than my kid, my mom, and my brother, and his family.
These things are about it. There aren’t many things that I think are worse than dying. Well if my family would actually claim me there would be more. There should probably be more that is more important.
Things for granted
Have you ever taking things for granted? Well I have and to be honest I thought it was worth it because the things I did were okay for me. I thought it would only be once in a while but no. I think it’s how everybody sees it and karma can come back and things go worse then you want them to be. For example I took a lot of foe granted the court, my parents, case worker, school and I think about it now and I made many mistakes but everybody makes them. It started in about 8th grade I started with school teachers would give me the best help and I give didn’t care for it I wouldn’t go to school and when I did they would help me to bring up my grade, but then I would do it again.
My parents were very proud of me. Had a lot of trust but I lost it just by lying and taking for advantage their trust, I didn’t mean it but then after a while I just started doing it on purpose because I thought I had a reason to do it, but I guess I was wrong and not saying sorry it feels worst because I feel like if you cant move on feeling like that and stilling knowing that they still got your back.
I think that nothing bad is going to happen but no it will get you sooner or latter and the consequences are bigger but now like me just have to your best and try to move forward and make the best out of it so you can be where ever you would like to go and do good in life. And don’t let your mistakes keep you going.
My parents were very proud of me. Had a lot of trust but I lost it just by lying and taking for advantage their trust, I didn’t mean it but then after a while I just started doing it on purpose because I thought I had a reason to do it, but I guess I was wrong and not saying sorry it feels worst because I feel like if you cant move on feeling like that and stilling knowing that they still got your back.
I think that nothing bad is going to happen but no it will get you sooner or latter and the consequences are bigger but now like me just have to your best and try to move forward and make the best out of it so you can be where ever you would like to go and do good in life. And don’t let your mistakes keep you going.
Worse than dying
Do I think that something can be worse than dying? Yeah! I think there are lots of things worse than dying. Dying is a part of life and its going to happen at some time. I actually think the feeling that you have to feel after someone dies is worse than dying. I would rather die than have to deal with feeling of losing the person I love. That feeling would be absolutely unbearable. If I were to die than the people that love me would feel this feeling and they would know what feels worse than dying. Once you yourself die you don’t really get affected from it. So therefore things that happened why you were alive were worse than dying. But those people dealing with there loved ones death feels what it feels like to experience what’s worse than death. I think if you were dying and you were in so much pain that would be the worst part of death. At that point you want to die. When I think of myself dying it doesn’t scare me. I’ll die when my time comes. I actually kind of think that when you’re in the moment of about to die and your life flashes before your eyes is the scariest. Especially when you end up living through that scary moment.
This one time I was driven up to Studio 600 in Salt Lake City and the freeways were kind of icy. And we were going way fast on the freeway and we hit black ice. We started spinning and it felt like time was slowing down and I saw everything right there before my eyes. That was another thing worse than actually dying.
This one time I was driven up to Studio 600 in Salt Lake City and the freeways were kind of icy. And we were going way fast on the freeway and we hit black ice. We started spinning and it felt like time was slowing down and I saw everything right there before my eyes. That was another thing worse than actually dying.
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